


If I Had A Million Dollars

by rainbowgoddess



Category: due South
Genre: Humor, M/M, Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2000-07-19
Updated: 2000-07-19
Packaged: 2018-11-10 23:22:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 850
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11136702
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rainbowgoddess/pseuds/rainbowgoddess
Summary: What would Ray do if he had a million dollars?





	If I Had A Million Dollars

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Speranza, the archivist: this story was once archived at [Due South Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Due_South_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in June 2017. I tried to reach out to all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Due South Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/duesoutharchive).
    
    
    If I Had A Million Dollars
    ---------------------------------
    
    Ray Kowalski was sitting at his desk listening to a CD by the Canadian
    group The Barenaked Ladies. His partner, Royal Canadian Mounted Police
    constable Benton Fraser, was listening as Ray sang one of the songs.
    
                    " If I had a million dollars," Ray sang,"I'd buy you
    a house ". 
                      
    "You'd buy me a house?" asked Fraser. "Why would you want to buy me a
    house?" 
    
    Ray hadn't realized Fraser was listening. Apparently the Mountie had
    taken him literally. 
    
    //I'd buy you a house if you lived in it with me// Ray thought to himself.
    Out loud, he said, "Well, because you need a place to live. You can't
    live at the Consulate forever. Anyway, what's the use of money if I can't
    use it to buy things for my friends?"
    
    "That's very nice of you, Ray," said Ben.
    
    " If I had a million dollars," Ray continued to sing, " I'd buy you furniture
    for your house, maybe a nice Chesterfield or an  Ottoman."
    
    "You'd buy furniture for me too?" Fraser inquired.
    
    "Sure," said Ray. //Like a nice big bed where you could fuck my brains
    out.// "If you have a house, you need furniture."
    
    "Of course," commented the Canadian and turned his attention back to
    the file he'd been reading. 
    
    "If I had a million dollars I'd buy you a K-Car (a nice reliant automobile)."
    
    "I really don't need a car, Ray," said his partner.
    
    Ray didn't say anything this time.
    
    "If I had a million dollars I'd build a tree fort in our yard.  If I
    had a million dollars, you could help, it wouldn't be that hard."
    
    "I'm certain it wouldn't cost a million dollars to build a tree fort,"
    Fraser observed. If he had noticed the part about it being "our" yard,
    he didn't say anything. 
    
    "If I had a million dollars, maybe we could put a refrigerator in there.
    Wouldn't that be fabulous."
    
    "It would be rather difficult to install the electrical wiring in a tree
    fort," said Ben. 
    
    "Well, if I had a million dollars I'd pay someone to do it," replied
    Ray. 
    
    "If I had a million dollars I'd buy you a fur coat (but not a real fur
    coat that's cruel)," the detective sang some more.
    
    "A fur coat? What makes you think I would need a fur coat?" the Mountie
    wanted to know. 
    
    "Well, because, it's cold up there in the Northwest Areas."
    
    "Territories," Fraser corrected.
    
    "Territories. So you'd need something to keep you warm." //Like my naked
    body pressed up against yours.//
    
    "Ah. Of course."
    
     "If I had a million dollars I'd buy you an exotic pet (like a llama
    or an emu)." 
    
    "Really, Ray, I have no desire for an exotic pet. Diefenbaker wouldn't
    like it, either." 
    
    "Okay, scratch the exotic pet," replied Kowalski.
    
    "If I had a million dollars I'd buy you John Merrick's remains (All them
    crazy elephant bones)," Ray sang.
    
    "John Merrick was not an elephant, Ray, he suffered from a condition
    known as neurofibromatosis."
    
    "Whatever," said the detective dismissively. "They called him the Elephant
    Man, so he has elephant bones."
    
    " If I had a million dollars, we wouldn't have to walk to the store.
    If I had a million dollars   We'd take a limousine 'cause it costs more,"
    continued the song. 
    
    "Now that's just silly, Ray. As well as lazy," scolded Fraser.
    
    "It's about living in luxury, Fraser," replied his partner. "Doing stuff
    just because it costs money." 
    
    "Terribly impractical."
    
    "So what?" asked Ray rhetorically. He continued to sing. "If I had a
    million dollars, we wouldn't have to eat Kraft Dinner, but we would,
    we'd just eat more. Hey Fraser, what's Kraft Dinner?" 
    
    "Macaroni and cheese," answered his friend.
    
    "Cool.  If I had a million dollars I'd buy you a green dress (but not
    a real green dress, that's cruel)."
    
    "Why on earth would you buy me a dress? I haven't worn a dress in ..
    oh it must be at least a year," said Ben.
    
    Ray almost yelped. "You wore a DRESS? Why?"
    
    "I was undercover at a girls' school. I had to impersonate a female in
    order to fit in." 
    
    Ray shook his head. This was more information than he'd bargained for.
    " If I had a million dollars  I'd buy you some art (a Picasso or a Garfunkel)."
    
    "Garfunkel is a musician, Ray, not a visual artist."
    
    "God, you're picky," said the detective. "If I had a million dollars
    I'd buy you a monkey (haven't you always wanted a monkey?)"
    
    "No, I haven't. I already told you, no exotic pets."
    
    "Oh, yeah,right. " The song was almost over. "If I had a million dollars
    ... I'd buy your love." //ohmygod did I just sing that out loud?//
    
    Fraser looked at him. "You don't need to buy my love, Ray. You have it
    already." 
    
    "I do?" asked the blonde man incredulously.
    
    "Yes," said his partner. He leaned forward and kissed Ray.
    
    "If I had a million dollars, I'd be rich," Ray sang. "Hell, I'm rich
    already. Wanna go home with me and make some Kraft Dinner with Dijon
    ketchup, Fraser?"
    
    END
    
    


End file.
